Into Darkness

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything, but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds that darkness has always gotten there first, and is waiting for it.”

-Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

I came upon this quote and it sort of just stuck with me. It pulsed through my head over and over until I got it down on paper. I viewed it as a depressing quote, but it got me thinking about light and darkness.

Humans have always had this infatuation with light versus darkness, it is portrayed in practically every film, novel, painting, etc.

This is based on no science whatsoever, but I think this is due to the fact that the human condition causes us to put our lives in boxes. By this I mean that we recognize patterns, categorize certain feelings, phenomena, so that we can feel organized in this chaotic life.

I go to a party, see a blunt and immediately curl my toes and say “bad”. That might be a poor example because like, drugs. But think about it. Humans have been seeking a unified theory as to why our universe is the way that it is since cavemen times; does the theory of everything ring a bell? (woo Eddie Redmayne)

It’s this relentless need to explain why, to categorize and rationalize what we see- to almost prove that things are indeed there.

You look into a dark void and you are scared, perhaps of what may be there, or of what is not there. We are uncomfortable with the notion of not knowing, we detest it actually. So we will never stop trying to explain the things around us simply because we cannot. It is human nature to seek understanding, rationalization, patterns that make sense to us.

What would happen if we stopped?

I think we’d lose our humanity.




The past few days have felt like a strange dream.

Every morning, a thick, heavy, and blinding fog descends upon my town and blankets everything in its wingspan. The drive to school seems like a journey through a world with too much of nothing- like a god knocked over a bottle of white out.

Throughout the day I look out the window and see the familiar furry outline of trees, but fog lurks behind them- prowling and snarling and waiting for something.

And then by the time it reaches noon, the fog lifts its unforgiving pressure and the sky is clear, happy, oblivious. And each night there is a beautiful sunset full of my favorite colors- ending with a light pink fading to a dark purple and then the black comfort of night.

And then I toss and turn at night- restless with relentlessly strange dreams filled with familiar faces that feel unfamiliar. And then I wake up, and the fog is back again- taunting me.

This cycle has repeated itself for two days- and I am expecting a third.

Whether I am assigning meaning to this fog rightfully or not, I feel that I have to. Because each day as the fog rolls back to me, I feel as if it is a familiar but unfamiliar face in my dream.

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The next is yet to come

(This is going to be a stream of consciousness post that will most likely be scattered and not make logical sense.)

As it feels like the future is more rapidly approaching, it is time for me to grab the here and now by its collar and frickin cease the shit out of it.

Today, I was accepted to college, and although it’s not my “first choice” per-say, I could probably end up going there. I feel relieved, excited, scared, and overall weird about having a pretty secure option for the next chapter of my life.

Lately I’ve been going through a pretty drastic change in my state of mind and perception of the world. The last year was a dark, dark period of my life full of depression and self-pity and isolation. An unhealthy type of sadness- because sadness in some amounts is healthy and necessary. Looking back however, I needed to go through that terrifying darkness to get to where I am today.

Life is dualities, a set of choices, love and hate, dark and light, night and day. I think of life as a spectrum that all of us fall on and move about on. Just because you are on one side of the spectrum, does not mean you will never see the other side. Both sides exist and with some effort, or time, you could get to the other. Without dark, light does not exist, without pain and sadness, health and happiness do not exist.

You must endure the bumpy, cold, and rigid parts of life to experience the good stuff, because without the hard stuff we wouldn’t even know what the good stuff is!

Another aspect of my life that has been changing is my religious and spiritual beliefs: which I’d never thought I’d say. My parents are forcing me to get confirmed by the Catholic church this year, and although I’d originally dreaded it with every fiber of my being, I’ve been actually looking forward to the classes every other Sunday and may even join the local youth group.

SO let me explain how a former Atheist started warming up to faith.

In these sessions that are populated by 8th graders, I obviously stick out being a weathered 12th grader that’s two feet taller than most kids there. It is really a bit comical: I feel like a religion class dropout or super-senior.

The sessions consist of watching a set of videos of this gap-toothed Australian guy talking about life and then discussing a bit at our table. What I have learned from these videos is this:

-Religion should be something close to your heart

-Belief in something, anything, is perhaps the strongest trait humans have

-Religion is, if anything, a way to become a better version of yourself, and to help the world be better also

-Religion shouldn’t be restricting you as a human: if you feel it is preventing you from living a good life, it probably isn’t the best religion for you

– If I am going to decide to believe in God or a god, or whatever the heck else there is out there, I need to do my research on what that religion means first. I.e. read the Bible, Koran, etc. so that I can make a well-informed decision for myself

My friend recently told me about a religion called Bahai and apparently it is a lesser known religion with only 7 temples in the world. And it just so happens one of them, the oldest one, is in my home state. I’ve also decided that fate has some merit. From the few things I’ve heard about the Bahai faith- it sounds like it is a good fit for my beliefs and could help me become a better person.

Whether I will be Christian, Bahai, Buddhist, you name it; I know that  believing in something greater- even blindly- is a powerful thing that I seek to know and understand.

With my emotional/ mental and spiritual sides being nurtured lately, I’ve also been exercising to become more fit.

I don’t want to lose weight, because I am at a healthy weight, I want to become more fit and flexible. This past year I’ve neglected my mind, but also my body. I hate to admit how much regular exercise improves my mood but it does because of endorphins and all that good stuff!

This is turning into such a cheesy “you can do it” type of speech and if I were reading this three months ago I would have hated myself. BUT what previous me had not yet realized is the power that we have over our lives. It’s easy to go through life not having much self control or discipline, I get it. I’ve been doing that for a long time. But trust me when I say it’s MUCH more rewarding to take control of your life. So stop saying you will do something, stop saying your’e going to go outside more, do more, talk to people more. Do it and do it now.

The next is yet to come.


Last Night

Last night I sat hunched on top of the closed toilet lid in my dimly lit, green-casted, foggy bathroom. My head rested in my hands on my knobby knees and I stared down at my toes. Wiggled them a little.

I thought about how humanity endures. Despite all odds that may be thrown against us or hurled at our faces. I thought about how I must endure. Take charge. Against things pitted against me, even if that may be myself at times.

At that moment, somehow I knew the life I seek is out there. An unconscious reassurance. I am out there somewhere, waiting, wiggling my toes because I am able.

I am lost at the moment. But I must find myself. I am human. And I endure. I am my own hero, I live for the sake of living.

Last night was the last night that I stayed put.