As I sit here and revisit this dusty old virtual journal of mine again, I feel a release in my heart and tingle in my fingertips. Damn, it feels good to be back. I don’t really even know why, I’ve never been consistent with posting entires on here. But here I am.
There is something different this time, however. I feel a real change coming. And it’s not just because it is a supposed new year and I made some haphazard resolution I’ll forget about come February. I know it is only day 11 of the new year, but I feel that my life has changed course in a significant way in those 11 days.
It’s hard to tell where this year will take me. I have plans for travel out of the country, pending summer internship applications (that I am really excited about), a new class schedule (that includes one on Italian Opera), and have begun practicing mindful meditation. The possibilities that the future holds gives me hope.
The last part of 2016 was, in a nutshell, a special type of emotional hell. Initially I was numb to all of the change that happened when I went to college. I was facing tumultuous feelings and changes in my identity, environment, routine, social circle, even my freaking diet. It felt as though my life was stripped of me, and I forgot who I was for a while. I’m sure it happens to many people, and at different times too, but it was very hard to go through. Luckily, I didn’t shut down; I threw myself at the books and even managed to make the Dean’s list for grades.
But it was as though I was living two different lives. And i still felt torn between my former home and my new college home. There was now a college me and the old me. And then there was the book nerd version of me that existed as long as the sun was in the sky, and the one that existed under the cover of the night sky. This “other” me wore fishnets, red lipstick, and a nose ring and went against everything I believed in back at home. I played Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and actually had some good reckless fun doing it for some time. But I was drained of everything. I lost track of my feelings, health, and my old self- my real self.
I have also realized that for that last part of 2016, a relationship of mine became toxic. I came out of it feeling a cocktail of strong emotions that tore up my insides and left me with a pretty bad hangover, so to speak. It was only after it all when I realized how negative the relationship- friendship- had become in my life. Regardless of how it happened, it did. There is no sense in getting caught up in the past. And the only place to go from here is forwards.
Since being at home I have regained my footing, picked up the scattered pieces of my life, done some needed reflections and come to some key realizations.
- My family are the most important people in my life. They have supported me through the thickest and thinnest when no one else was there to support me.
- The only constant in life is impermanence. Change must be embraced in order to maintain happiness. Even emotions wax and wane, they pass like clouds in a summer breeze. You are not sad, you only experience sadness, and it won’t last forever (despite what you may think in the moment). Find solace in the hope that the future can, and will, bring you.
- I need to foster relationships with people that aren’t selfish, with people that are on the same spiritual journey as I am (as lame as that sounds). I need to be friends with people that have passion and ambition, a drive to find and pursue what they love. There is too much negativity in this world as is, I don’t need it in large doses in my personal life as well. I need people that can build me up, and I will do the same to them.
- Meditate, meditate, meditate. Mindfulness Meditation is the key to becoming a kinder and more understanding person. It fosters introspection that creates newfound direction in your life, career, and relationships with others. Seriously, there is science to back this shit up. Check out the book Search Inside Yourself by Google Engineer Chade-Meng Tan. It is life-changing.
- Only wish the best for everyone. Cultivate innate positive feelings towards everyone- loved ones, colleagues, acquaintances, and even people you dislike. Soon you will begin to feel positively towards everyone in your life, and they will take notice. Like I said, there is enough negativity in this world. Try to only carry and foster a positive understanding of others and unimagined satisfaction in relationships and opportunities will begin to unfold before you.
And all this reflection came from the last 11 days. My life has been a whirlwind recently, but I’ve managed to find some calm within. In the “life-changing” book I mentioned above, there was a metaphor that compared human emotions to the ocean. On the surface a storm may occur from time to time, but deep down in the depths of the ocean, there is a serene calm. This is to say that our emotions can become churned up, but we can find solace in the deep calm within ourselves. Very intense metaphor, but I am trying to make sense of it, and reach the deep calm within myself.
I promise I’m not as insane as I sound, the book explains it all.
2017 is not a new beginning per se, we always pick up where we left off on 11:59 on new years eve. But I am turning a corner, embarking on a long spiritual journey, searching inside the deepest parts of myself that I guard securely against even my own minds eye. I have no new years resolution, but it is a new year and I feel a sense of resolution. 2016 churned up some important shit that needed to be churned up. And now I am going to make sure that everything was churned up for a positive reason in my life.
I almost forgot that my domain name for this blog was “findinghuman”. Now I feel that it is exactly what I am trying to do. I am a human working on “finding” new meaning, people, experiences, feelings within myself and others. I am a finding human and this is my blog about life, Life Obscura. Funny how things work.
Oh 2017, you bring me hope. Cheers to that.